Tough questions & bittersweet good-byes...

Tomorrow we will spend the day remembering Grandma McPherson.  Josh's grandma (his father's mother) passed away last weekend, only 5 months after her husband had paved the way.  
They are now together in Glory...praising with the saints.  
Their recent home-goings have prompted some pretty interesting discussions with our children.  They have all sorts of questions and comments regarding these new concepts of heaven, new bodies, cemeteries and why we have to die.

Here's the latest...

-Ella says to me last week after she heard Grandma Mac had passed away, "Mom, what does Jesus look like?" To which I reply that I'm not sure, no one really knows. "I think I should go to heaven in about 2 weeks so I can see Jesus...I am so excited to see Him!"

-Levi says, "Is there hair in heaven?". Not sure what to do with this one... :o) 

-Our conversation tonight at bedtime was as follows. I was explaining to both the kids what tomorrow will be like...lunch with family, graveside service, then the funeral/memorial service. 
 "What's a funeral for, mom?" Ella asks.
To honor Grandma and talk about the wonderful memories we have of her, I say. 
"What is the cemetery for?" she wonders.
I explain, with some difficulty, that our bodies get worn out and that when we die, it means our bodies don't work anymore. So we bury those that pass away at cemeteries.  
She thinks for a minute and says, "So does Grandma Mac have to come down from heaven to be buried in the cemetery?"
Which leads me to explain that our spirit lives on in heaven with Jesus.
"And God too," Levi chimes in. 
And I explain that we will have new and perfect "bodies". No more walkers. No more braces. No more sniffles. No more tears. No more sadness. No more pain. No more...
"Spankings," says Ella with a smile.

"Can I talk to David in heaven," Levi adds. (from David & Goliath)
Yes, I say confidently. 
"Will he be old or young?" Levi asks. 
I am stumped.

But this I do know...we will be with our Creator in heaven someday. And that will be a most glorious celebration...in our real home.
Sing on Grandma & Grandpa...you have finished your race well. Thank you and we will see you very soon.

"For we know that if the tent, which is our earthly home, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling...so we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord...Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord." 2 Cor. 5:1-2, 6-8

 

Another day: What a blessing...

I had a delightful surprise visit from my husband & children this evening.  They are hanging in there...but my girl was a little teary. Well, mommy was a little teary too.  And I am so thankful that we are nearing the end of the journey.  

Today we are 36 weeks...another wonderful milestone.  I feel so blessed as each day goes by that she gets to grow a little bigger.  She gets a little "chunkier" every day.  Well, so does her mommy. :o)   Her lungs get a little better at breathing.  Her body gets a little better at staying warm.  And each day is a blessing.

I am surrounded here in the hospital by much joy.  So many births.  New precious lives coming into the world.  I get to hear their little cries (well, some not so little) and hear parents, grandparents, friends and relatives coo over their every move.  And I happily anticipate the day when we too will have the joy of meeting this little lady.  

But the other day I was reminded of the true honor and privilege it is to have this little one growing inside me.  A healthy little one.  As far as we know, everything in her body is working correctly.  And as far as we know, we will get to see her grow up...experience her laugh, see her run around, and enjoy her individual personality.  

The room next to mine was not full of laughter & celebration the other day.  Instead of happiness and joy coming from that room, there were only tears.  Tears & sorrow, weeping & groans.  Although I do not know the woman who was in that room nor the situation, I do know that her baby was born without breath in it's lungs.  She never got to hear her cry.  She won't experience her coos, smiles or see her take her first steps. 

I sat in my bed and tears flowed down my cheeks as I listened to her sob.  All I could do was pray for her.  For her family.  For the hard days ahead.  For anniversaries of the loss of that little one.  I don't know if she has other children,  if she is married, or if she knows the only One who can ease her suffering. 

I was overcome with thankfulness for so many things.  For the two children already entrusted to our care, for my wonderful husband, my amazing family, for the child still alive & growing inside my womb and most importantly, for the hope of my Savior who does not keep these things from me or from my family...but who can take the circumstances of suffering and use them for His glory with the assurance that He will ultimately satisfy.  

Is that just a bunch of "christian-ese"?  Is it really possible to go through terrible suffering and not blame God?  Can I really be "thankful" for the difficulties that come?  Or am I just faking it? What would I have told that weeping mother if I'd had the chance?


Coming up with the right words would be hard.  To look in the eyes of that mother, who had just lost a child...I just wouldn't use phrases like "This too shall pass" or "It's all for a reason" or "It'll be okay".  

I would have only one explanation.  

It hurts.  It's not easy.  You can't explain it.  In fact, you're probably angry.  And that is normal. You probably think you can't go on.     

You're right.  You can't make it through this on your own.

But God is greater.  He is better.  His ways are higher.  Our comprehension can't contain Him.  His sovereignty is unmatched. His glory is far more beautiful.  And the grace He pours out on us is undeserved.  

He knows our suffering.  He has experienced grief.  He does not delight in the hurts of His children.  His love goes far beyond the pain.  He will never leave you.  He will provide the grace you need for every day.  He has spared us from eternal damnation...the only thing we really deserve. 

In the days to come, I will try and highlight some of the reading I've done recently that have solidified these facts in my heart and increased my passion to share the news of Christ with those who have no hope.  

But for now, I am praying for the woman who was in the room next to mine.  I am praying for a family overwhelmed by sadness.  I am praying for the thousands who have no food and no homes in Haiti.  I am praying for people who heard the diagnosis of cancer today.  And for others who are trying to cope with the loss of a loved one.  


That they would be comforted.  And would come to know the only One that will truly see them through the pain.

In awe of His mercy...
Sharon

Sunday...

Sunday is a harder day for me.

I miss being in church with my family...worshiping with the wonderful people of GCC...listening to my husband preach the Word...sitting with my children as they sing their little hearts out in praise to God...enjoying fellowship during our shared meal together. 

Sigh.

I have to admit, I told Josh (when he stopped by after church...highlight of my day!) that my weak spirit was considering a "pity party" today.  But thankfully, by the grace of God, I picked up the next book on my reading list and dug in.  

John Piper's "The Roots of Endurance"...appropriate, don't you think?

The Lord has been using it, along with his Word, to encourage my heart today.  It is a great mix of cross-centered teaching on endurance in the faith and the evidences of this endurance in the lives of John Newton, Charles Simeon & William Wilberforce.

I was especially challenged, encouraged and convicted as I read more of the nature of true endurance in the faith, and the lack that I have to "create it" within myself.  Piper says:

"The aim of all endurance is that Christ be seen & savored in the world as our glorious God. Paul makes this plain in 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12 where he prays for us 'that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good & every work of faith my his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ'...similarly in Philippians 1:11 he prays that we would be 'filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory & praise of God'...this is what we pray for, and this is what we trust in as we take up the biblical command to endure to the end. 

 We trust in the New Covenant promises of sustaining, enabling grace that were obtained for us infallibly & irrevocably by Jesus Christ in his death & resurrection.   Therefore our fight and our race and our endurance is a radically God-centered, Christ-exalting, Spirit-dependent, promise-supported life.  It is not a 'just do it' ethic.  It is not a moral self-improvement program.  It's not a 'Judeo-Christian ethic' shared by a vaguely spiritual culture with a fading biblical memory.  It is a deeply cross-embracing life that knows the Christ of the Bible as the Son of God who was crucified first as our substitute and than as our model of endurance."

This concept has been most encouraging and bolstering to this weak-minded child of God.  I cannot "just do it".  I cannot endure because I "try harder".  I have tried that most of my life.  And I have even tried in these last few weeks and months.  Even today.

And it does not work.  It is only by embracing the cross and relying on his continual grace that I stand a chance to endure.  So I am excitedly reading on to see God-centered endurance on display in the lives of these past saints. 

The latest in our "endurance journey" is that I am back off the monitor and am able to get up to the bathroom again.  I am still required to lay flat (with some incline at meals).  My symptoms have subsided and for that we are truly thankful.  Again, our little lady continues to look good every time they check her on the monitor. 

Thank you Lord for your grace...and the strength to endure.  

Thinking about December...

(Ella with one of her favorite babies...A.W. This was last summer. Aiden was just 3 months old.)

December 15 was to be the date.

I found out while Josh was in his final push of this semester of school. He was in Oregon for 10 days straight...pumping out the papers, cramming in the Greek and generally trying to survive finals at the graduate level.

I was pregnant.

We were overjoyed and excited to increase our little family by another "two feet". :o)

I was feeling pretty well...except for all-day nausea and some good ole' fatigue. But having two little ones to care for proved to be a good distraction.

So our 10 week appointment arrived, followed by the ultrasound.

Many old feelings flooded back during the ultrasound, as the tech grew quiet during the procedure. We had found out about Ella's diagnosis in the same way. The tech does not have the authority to make a diagnosis...and her silent demeanor was an indicator that something was wrong.

I actually felt sorry for her...she wouldn't look me in the eye and she really wanted to get out of the room in a hurry. I don't blame her.

She didn't want to be the one to tell me that the pregnancy was over.

A miscarriage.

It became reality over the next couple days as lab tests and my own body comfirmed the loss.

A week of physical exhaustion...due to blood loss and pain, found me back at the doctor's office. He was concerned for my health and future pregnancies.

So after being in the doctor's office at 2:30, I was in surgery by 4. I had to have a D & C.

Graciously, my recovery was uncomplicated. With much care and help from family and friends (everything from food to childcare and everything in between...how can we ever say thank you), I was back to full-time wife & mama in a week.

During my recovery time (of quiet rest at Nana & Papa's house...thank you both), I was journaling...praying...reflecting on the whole experience. And some things have stayed with me (as only they can during such times of trial)...

-that the Lord in his grace and mercy would choose to take my little one now...as He saw fit. I can only imagine the ache of mothers who have lost their little ones at 6 months, full-term or in the middle of childhood.

-that I am already immeasurably blessed by the 2 little ones the Lord has entrusted to our care thus far...

-that if I was already this attached and devastated by the loss of this little one (only 11 weeks along), what agony and pain must women feel who choose to end their little one's life through abortion...

-that the Lord is still sovereign and good...at the same time.

-that I have a renewed passion to press into God and pour into my husband & children...while I have the energy, strength and health...

There have been hard days, encouraging days, faith-filled days and days of mourning. But it is with a joy-filled heart that I write today.

Our omnipotent Lord knows so much better than I...and I am trusting Him day by day to sustain, lead and use the events of our life to bring Him glory.

So today, on this 85 degree day in June...I am thinking about December...

...and about a little one I will get to meet in heaven someday.

We love you little one.

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Big Sister Ella Mae and Big brother Levi

Joy to the World!

The Christmas season is upon us...and there is truly much to be joyful about.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how excited I was to be with the people of GCC because they are people who find their passion and joy in Christ. And how wonderful it has been to experience it over these last few weeks.

The kids & I have been here now for 3 weeks...spending quality time with Grandpa & Grandma (lots of wrestling and story-time), reconnecting with friends & family, and enjoying some R & R. We have also been able to worship with our church family at GCC and even hang out with the women at our brunch last weekend. (What a blast!)

In each of these situations, I have been overwhelmed by the joy that permeates the lives of these people. And that prayerfully should overflow in mine as well...

Check out the quote by Oswald Chambers over on the left...that speaks about the joy of Jesus being "self-surrender and self-sacrifice".

He goes on to say that "The full flood of my life is not in bodily health, not in external happenings, not in seeing God's work succeed, but in the perfect understanding of God, and in the communion with Him that Jesus Himself had."

During this season of "joy", there is much sorrow as well. We are surrounded by children in abusive families, disintegrating marriages and selfish disrespect in our youth...not to mention fatal attacks on Christians worldwide, continued terrorist aggression and people everywhere who have no hope. You know the issues in our world, and you have probably experienced some form of suffering firsthand.

How can we speak of joy?

About a month ago, I was privileged to hear Sono Harris (wife of Greg Harris, of HOFCC in Gresham), share a short exhortation on joy. She provided some good reference points for how we find our joy...

"Rejoice always." 1 Thes. 5:16

"Finally, my brothers, rejoice in the Lord." Phil. 3:1

"Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven..." Luke 6:22-23

"...but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." Luke 10:20

"Ask and you will receive that your joy may be full." John 16:24

"But now I am coming to you and these things I speak in the world that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves." John 17:13

And as John Piper states in his book What Jesus Demand from the World...

"Jesus does command the feelings. He demands that our emotions be one way and not another...the demand that we be happy is not marginal or superfluous. It is a shocking wake-up call to people who are finding their happiness in all the wrong places. God's saving presence and sovereign reign are so valuable that when people see them for what they really are--treasure hidden in the field--they count everything as nothing compared to the vast fortune of being part of that reign." (pgs 52, 84)

And finally...

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:3-9


And so, I would encourage you with joy that, as a redeemed people, who have been saved from eternal death and hell...this element of God-given, life-permeating, Christ-centered joy should define us.

Not fake or drummed up. For many of you know that it is almost impossible to "act" joyful in the midst of pain and suffering. You have been there. And prayerfully, you have experienced the comfort in knowing that our sovereign God is in control and nothing can separate us from His love. The joy may not be smiling faces or happy words. But it is a joy that is deeply rooted and through tears can say "Great is the Lord and worthy to be praised".

So, this is the joy I am seeking and praying for in these times of good. In these moments of R & R, I am trying to fill my mind with the truths of His word. Because, I know that there will be times when joy is hard to find. And I pray that it would be these promises and truths that would fill my mind as I seek God in the midst of pain.

Let this be a season of joy in your homes...for Christ has come, and will return...

...now that is a reason for joy.

Some deep thoughts...(well, for me they are)

I have recently been challenged, from many reputable sources, to make sure that my life is being lived as intentional. Not half-hazard, chaotic or dependent on my circumstances. Not purpose-filled in one season and pity-filled the next.

No, I have been challenged, that in everything I do, that it would be truly pleasing, glorifying and edifying to the Lord. That no matter what circumstances, challenges or joys come into my life, that my solid hope and direction in life would be found in Christ.

Not that my life up to this point has been lived out as pointless. But that I would not waste the time I have...whatever amount that may be.

Maybe it was the discussions I had with some (not all) of the young women on my volleyball team...whose life revolves around things like boys, music, dates and even grades. Their vision of the future and concept of "important" spans only to tomorrow's test or this weekend's outings.

Or maybe it was the insight of the Godly women whose teaching I enjoyed last Thursday evening at the HOFCC women's gathering. Women who are steeped in the Word and wise beyond their years....whose lives and households radiate the testimony of living with intention, conviction and a desire for Christ to be glorified.

Or maybe it was the impacting blog posted by my brother-in-law, calling us to use the gifts given to us and the technology of our day to further the kingdom of God. (Read it in it's entirety here)

It was a convicting message to not merely fill up my blog with fun facts or silly thoughts about ME, albeit interesting and humorous at times, but to use this tool as an avenue to encourage and challenge others to grow as we pursue Christ.

So challenged I have been as of late...to be a woman of God's word, to keep my home a place of order and to be about the kingdom work of bringing glory to God and others to Christ. Such simple things, I know...but ones I must constantly be working on, by God's grace.

And I just wanted to share those thoughts...not that I won't still post cute pics of my children, for they are blessings in my life from the Lord. But I pray that there would be substance and encouragement for you as well as we let Christ rule in our hearts, homes and purpose.

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly,

teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom,

singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,

with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do,

in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus,

giving thanks to God the Father through him."

Colossians 3:15-17