Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thinking about December...

(Ella with one of her favorite babies...A.W. This was last summer. Aiden was just 3 months old.)

December 15 was to be the date.

I found out while Josh was in his final push of this semester of school. He was in Oregon for 10 days straight...pumping out the papers, cramming in the Greek and generally trying to survive finals at the graduate level.

I was pregnant.

We were overjoyed and excited to increase our little family by another "two feet". :o)

I was feeling pretty well...except for all-day nausea and some good ole' fatigue. But having two little ones to care for proved to be a good distraction.

So our 10 week appointment arrived, followed by the ultrasound.

Many old feelings flooded back during the ultrasound, as the tech grew quiet during the procedure. We had found out about Ella's diagnosis in the same way. The tech does not have the authority to make a diagnosis...and her silent demeanor was an indicator that something was wrong.

I actually felt sorry for her...she wouldn't look me in the eye and she really wanted to get out of the room in a hurry. I don't blame her.

She didn't want to be the one to tell me that the pregnancy was over.

A miscarriage.

It became reality over the next couple days as lab tests and my own body comfirmed the loss.

A week of physical exhaustion...due to blood loss and pain, found me back at the doctor's office. He was concerned for my health and future pregnancies.

So after being in the doctor's office at 2:30, I was in surgery by 4. I had to have a D & C.

Graciously, my recovery was uncomplicated. With much care and help from family and friends (everything from food to childcare and everything in can we ever say thank you), I was back to full-time wife & mama in a week.

During my recovery time (of quiet rest at Nana & Papa's house...thank you both), I was journaling...praying...reflecting on the whole experience. And some things have stayed with me (as only they can during such times of trial)...

-that the Lord in his grace and mercy would choose to take my little one He saw fit. I can only imagine the ache of mothers who have lost their little ones at 6 months, full-term or in the middle of childhood.

-that I am already immeasurably blessed by the 2 little ones the Lord has entrusted to our care thus far...

-that if I was already this attached and devastated by the loss of this little one (only 11 weeks along), what agony and pain must women feel who choose to end their little one's life through abortion...

-that the Lord is still sovereign and the same time.

-that I have a renewed passion to press into God and pour into my husband & children...while I have the energy, strength and health...

There have been hard days, encouraging days, faith-filled days and days of mourning. But it is with a joy-filled heart that I write today.

Our omnipotent Lord knows so much better than I...and I am trusting Him day by day to sustain, lead and use the events of our life to bring Him glory.

So today, on this 85 degree day in June...I am thinking about December...

...and about a little one I will get to meet in heaven someday.

We love you little one.

Mommy, Daddy, Big Sister Ella Mae and Big brother Levi